I was asked to answer questions for a group of brilliant professionals in Canada this week.
Their book club is reading my One Belief Away book, which is awesome!
One of the questions was, “how do you set boundaries with people who are negative or takers (always taking, but never giving back)?”
Here’s my 3-step approach for setting boundaries that actually work.
1. Define the boundary.
Clarify what you want to happen and why the boundary is necessary.
For example, let’s say your sister-in-law is always asking for favors, but rarely returns them when asked. What do you want to happen moving forward?
“I want to feel comfortable instead of feeling guilty saying no if it’s inconvenience. I also want her to stop asking for favors unless she is willing to help me out as well.”
2. Share the boundary.
Once you are clear on the desirable actions you and the other person could take, share it with them in a friendly manner.
There’s no need to freak out, tremble in fear, or give ultimatums because that type of energy ensures the boundary gets lost in the high emotion.
Instead, calmly say to your sister-in-law, “I feel that you ask for a lot of favors, but when I need help you are never available. So, moving forward, please do not ask for my help unless you are willing to return the favor. Also, I will speak up and say no if I’m unable or unwilling to help because that’s on me. Do you have any thoughts on this that will strengthen our relationship?”
Now, she will typically respond in one of three ways.
a) Be defensive and argue that was you’ve suggested is false.
b) Be hurt and try to make you feel guilty so you “take it all back.”
c) Appreciate where you’re coming from, reflect on your feedback, and be more aware and helpful moving forward.
3. Reinforce the boundary.
Keep your word and behave accordingly when the boundary is tested.
Like the kid in line at the grocery store who screams until his parent gives in to his request for candy, adults, too, will test boundaries because they like getting their way and hope with enough pressure, you’ll give in too.
Thus, the next time your sister-in-law asks for help or doesn’t assist you, deny her request for you to do her a favor.
Or remind her that she said she’d make herself more accommodating to your request moving forward.
If you do not reinforce your own rule, why would anyone else respect it?
Won’t you feel incredibly uncomfortable at first when executing these three steps?
Most definitely, but so what?
At least you’ll feel proud afterward, instead of hating yourself because you gave in again.
🙂 Tim Shurr
Founder, OBA Hypnosis Method
